Sunday, May 16, 2004
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My life. Full of despair and misery. Why can't enjoy happiness like many other typical 16-year olds? Why i have to bear with all the humiliation and depression? Why do i have to hide my feelings to myself? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Can you answer my questions? I can't. Probably beacuse i don't know the reason why i'm here. I don't know the reason why am i being born? I shouldn't have come to this world. I tell you my routine and you'll understand why.
Routine: Wake up
Go school
Put up a show for everybody to enjoy
Go Home
Wear a mask to hide my feelings
Sleep => time to show my real self
It is like that everyday. Don't you people think its kinda boring? I have to worry for every single thing in the household. I have to worry that will people from the bank come to my house to press for payment or to collect furniture the next day. I cannot be happy. Perhaps the only time when i'll be happy is the time when i get a new phone, which is in the average of once in a year. What does this show? It only shows that i can be really happy only once in a year. Kor, I'm sorry. i shouldn't have post this. However, i'm terribly upset.
Back to topic. kor said that i had the symptoms of High blood pressure. I don't know about this. I told my "mum". What i get was, "You crazy. Its because you are lazy and finding excuses not to study." Let me ask you. Can a person feign sickness? Nevertheless, i'm magnanimous. I thought this is the route to happiness and eternity. I'm wrong. I'm terribly wrong. The result was, i fell deeper into the pit. It seemed to me that the only human who willingly wants to pick me up from the pit is my godbrother. The rest only nags and badgers and thus, make me want to stay in the pit and never come out.
Perhaps i'm not meant to live in this world. It was a mistake that i came here. A terrible mistake. A tremendous error. Still, i'm gonna try to be happy. So that when this period is over, I can look back and tell myself that i lived through it. i survived. I wanna make a promise here, that i'll never think of dying again. I'll never talk unnecessarily again. I'll try my best to live out of the symptoms of depression. Because you care. and i don't want to make you worry again. I'll try my best to get good results to satisfy my self, and i will never be a perfectionist again.
Can you answer my questions? I can't. Probably beacuse i don't know the reason why i'm here. I don't know the reason why am i being born? I shouldn't have come to this world. I tell you my routine and you'll understand why.
Routine: Wake up
Go school
Put up a show for everybody to enjoy
Go Home
Wear a mask to hide my feelings
Sleep => time to show my real self
It is like that everyday. Don't you people think its kinda boring? I have to worry for every single thing in the household. I have to worry that will people from the bank come to my house to press for payment or to collect furniture the next day. I cannot be happy. Perhaps the only time when i'll be happy is the time when i get a new phone, which is in the average of once in a year. What does this show? It only shows that i can be really happy only once in a year. Kor, I'm sorry. i shouldn't have post this. However, i'm terribly upset.
Back to topic. kor said that i had the symptoms of High blood pressure. I don't know about this. I told my "mum". What i get was, "You crazy. Its because you are lazy and finding excuses not to study." Let me ask you. Can a person feign sickness? Nevertheless, i'm magnanimous. I thought this is the route to happiness and eternity. I'm wrong. I'm terribly wrong. The result was, i fell deeper into the pit. It seemed to me that the only human who willingly wants to pick me up from the pit is my godbrother. The rest only nags and badgers and thus, make me want to stay in the pit and never come out.
Perhaps i'm not meant to live in this world. It was a mistake that i came here. A terrible mistake. A tremendous error. Still, i'm gonna try to be happy. So that when this period is over, I can look back and tell myself that i lived through it. i survived. I wanna make a promise here, that i'll never think of dying again. I'll never talk unnecessarily again. I'll try my best to live out of the symptoms of depression. Because you care. and i don't want to make you worry again. I'll try my best to get good results to satisfy my self, and i will never be a perfectionist again.
Are You Ga(me)?, 10:10 PM.
