Sunday, May 16, 2004
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My life. Full of despair and misery. Why can't enjoy happiness like many other typical 16-year olds? Why i have to bear with all the humiliation and depression? Why do i have to hide my feelings to myself? WHY? WHY? WHY?
Can you answer my questions? I can't. Probably beacuse i don't know the reason why i'm here. I don't know the reason why am i being born? I shouldn't have come to this world. I tell you my routine and you'll understand why.
Routine: Wake up
Go school
Put up a show for everybody to enjoy
Go Home
Wear a mask to hide my feelings
Sleep => time to show my real self
It is like that everyday. Don't you people think its kinda boring? I have to worry for every single thing in the household. I have to worry that will people from the bank come to my house to press for payment or to collect furniture the next day. I cannot be happy. Perhaps the only time when i'll be happy is the time when i get a new phone, which is in the average of once in a year. What does this show? It only shows that i can be really happy only once in a year. Kor, I'm sorry. i shouldn't have post this. However, i'm terribly upset.
Back to topic. kor said that i had the symptoms of High blood pressure. I don't know about this. I told my "mum". What i get was, "You crazy. Its because you are lazy and finding excuses not to study." Let me ask you. Can a person feign sickness? Nevertheless, i'm magnanimous. I thought this is the route to happiness and eternity. I'm wrong. I'm terribly wrong. The result was, i fell deeper into the pit. It seemed to me that the only human who willingly wants to pick me up from the pit is my godbrother. The rest only nags and badgers and thus, make me want to stay in the pit and never come out.
Perhaps i'm not meant to live in this world. It was a mistake that i came here. A terrible mistake. A tremendous error. Still, i'm gonna try to be happy. So that when this period is over, I can look back and tell myself that i lived through it. i survived. I wanna make a promise here, that i'll never think of dying again. I'll never talk unnecessarily again. I'll try my best to live out of the symptoms of depression. Because you care. and i don't want to make you worry again. I'll try my best to get good results to satisfy my self, and i will never be a perfectionist again.
Can you answer my questions? I can't. Probably beacuse i don't know the reason why i'm here. I don't know the reason why am i being born? I shouldn't have come to this world. I tell you my routine and you'll understand why.
Routine: Wake up
Go school
Put up a show for everybody to enjoy
Go Home
Wear a mask to hide my feelings
Sleep => time to show my real self
It is like that everyday. Don't you people think its kinda boring? I have to worry for every single thing in the household. I have to worry that will people from the bank come to my house to press for payment or to collect furniture the next day. I cannot be happy. Perhaps the only time when i'll be happy is the time when i get a new phone, which is in the average of once in a year. What does this show? It only shows that i can be really happy only once in a year. Kor, I'm sorry. i shouldn't have post this. However, i'm terribly upset.
Back to topic. kor said that i had the symptoms of High blood pressure. I don't know about this. I told my "mum". What i get was, "You crazy. Its because you are lazy and finding excuses not to study." Let me ask you. Can a person feign sickness? Nevertheless, i'm magnanimous. I thought this is the route to happiness and eternity. I'm wrong. I'm terribly wrong. The result was, i fell deeper into the pit. It seemed to me that the only human who willingly wants to pick me up from the pit is my godbrother. The rest only nags and badgers and thus, make me want to stay in the pit and never come out.
Perhaps i'm not meant to live in this world. It was a mistake that i came here. A terrible mistake. A tremendous error. Still, i'm gonna try to be happy. So that when this period is over, I can look back and tell myself that i lived through it. i survived. I wanna make a promise here, that i'll never think of dying again. I'll never talk unnecessarily again. I'll try my best to live out of the symptoms of depression. Because you care. and i don't want to make you worry again. I'll try my best to get good results to satisfy my self, and i will never be a perfectionist again.
Are You Ga(me)?, 10:10 PM.
Sunday, May 09, 2004
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Hi, i'm finally back again. It's been so long since i written my blog. I want to use this opportunity to do something. your
Dear Andrew,
What am i to you? Do u treat me as your beloved godbrother? I don't think so and i'm utterly disappointed in you. I'd told you that if you have any problems, you should look me up, just like when i'm sad, i'll drown my sorrows in you. I treat you as my very dear Godbrother. I tell you everything, why can't you do the same?I know your character is that you don't normally talk to people, not to mention share secrets.
I want a share of your burden as well, if u are carrying mine as well as yours, won't it be too heavy for you? I know it's difficult for you to change your character overnight. However, i just hope that you can drown my sorrows in me too. If you need to cry, you can have my shoulder, you can treat my shirt as your tissue paper. I'm willing to do all this for you. Why? Because i look upon you as my dearest godbrother. I want you to know, as well as to REMEMBER that i'll always stand by you, be by your side. When your guardian angels go on leave, i'll be the relief. to ensure that you are safe, and most importantly, happy.
Life's short. Since u pass a day no matter you are happy or sad. In that case, why not live through everyday happily? You and i have many things in common and that explains why i could understand you so well. I know exactly what you feel, especially you are unclear of your dear's indications. I do miss you everyday, i miss the times we had together. However, one cannot stay at that period of time forever! Life has to go on, and we have to move forward. I'd come to understand that love is not possesion. When you love someone, you will want that person to be happy. If that person is happy when you set him free, you'll be happy as well. That's love.
I want you to know, that although the world has turn topsy-turvy, chaos descended where tranquility once reigned and there are more hypocrites than people who are sincere, there are still sincere people around. I'm one. Do you know that your mood affects me as well? i can sense that you are unhappy. I requested for your call last night, but you didn't call me. I waited till 1230hrs. but no call came.
Whenever you are sad, call me. Anytime, anyday. Even its during midnight, i'm sure i can wake up to reply your message or to answer your call. Ok? Please, i know you love me. So since i love you too, i wanna share your burden. As long as i live, i wanna be your guardian angel. Lastly, i once told you that when two passives are together, when one needs the other more, e other will turn into an active. See, i've transformed into an active to console you!! I don't want your live to hurt. Because if yours hurts, mine will too. So, promise me you'll live happily?
Give me a msg after you read this. Muack.
Love from Nicky.
Dear Andrew,
What am i to you? Do u treat me as your beloved godbrother? I don't think so and i'm utterly disappointed in you. I'd told you that if you have any problems, you should look me up, just like when i'm sad, i'll drown my sorrows in you. I treat you as my very dear Godbrother. I tell you everything, why can't you do the same?I know your character is that you don't normally talk to people, not to mention share secrets.
I want a share of your burden as well, if u are carrying mine as well as yours, won't it be too heavy for you? I know it's difficult for you to change your character overnight. However, i just hope that you can drown my sorrows in me too. If you need to cry, you can have my shoulder, you can treat my shirt as your tissue paper. I'm willing to do all this for you. Why? Because i look upon you as my dearest godbrother. I want you to know, as well as to REMEMBER that i'll always stand by you, be by your side. When your guardian angels go on leave, i'll be the relief. to ensure that you are safe, and most importantly, happy.
Life's short. Since u pass a day no matter you are happy or sad. In that case, why not live through everyday happily? You and i have many things in common and that explains why i could understand you so well. I know exactly what you feel, especially you are unclear of your dear's indications. I do miss you everyday, i miss the times we had together. However, one cannot stay at that period of time forever! Life has to go on, and we have to move forward. I'd come to understand that love is not possesion. When you love someone, you will want that person to be happy. If that person is happy when you set him free, you'll be happy as well. That's love.
I want you to know, that although the world has turn topsy-turvy, chaos descended where tranquility once reigned and there are more hypocrites than people who are sincere, there are still sincere people around. I'm one. Do you know that your mood affects me as well? i can sense that you are unhappy. I requested for your call last night, but you didn't call me. I waited till 1230hrs. but no call came.
Whenever you are sad, call me. Anytime, anyday. Even its during midnight, i'm sure i can wake up to reply your message or to answer your call. Ok? Please, i know you love me. So since i love you too, i wanna share your burden. As long as i live, i wanna be your guardian angel. Lastly, i once told you that when two passives are together, when one needs the other more, e other will turn into an active. See, i've transformed into an active to console you!! I don't want your live to hurt. Because if yours hurts, mine will too. So, promise me you'll live happily?
Give me a msg after you read this. Muack.
Love from Nicky.
Are You Ga(me)?, 7:22 PM.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
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For such a long time, here i am, back again. I don't know what have i done wrong in my past life to deserve this. A human. Let's name him A.H. For your information, that's the initials of the original name. A.H, hopefully when you read this, you will know. A.H entered my life on 16 Jan 2004. We met at the NEL control station at Dhoby Ghaut. I could still bemember vividly that A.H was wearing a Levi's Type 1 Jeans, with a plain white bossini t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans.
We walked aimlessly along the strees of Orchard before finally reaching at Takashimaya where somethin interesting was done at the office building. I felt very loved when i was with A.H. a lot of happiness was given to me from A.H. during that period of time. Our second meeting was on 23 Jan 2004 where we went to compass point to buy somethin interesting and vowed to wear it on the next day, which is the chinese new year.
As A.H. was working in pasta mania at scotts, i cannot call or msg A.H everytime i missed A.H. In order to hear A.H's voice often, i made A.H promise to call me during my recess and after school. I go to the extend of skipping my recess because i wanna chat with A.H. That was in the month of January and February. On one rainy day, i finally got A.H to sing to me. A.H sang a song which is very touching and i teared a little. I don't know what's the name of that song.
Every night, i look forward to 11pm when A.H will call me without fail. On one ocassion, when A.H called me late, i was so worried. and when A.H lost the phone on sat, i was so worried that i nearly wanted to run all the way to Tanjong Pagar to find A.H. all i could think of is A.H during that period of time. my regret was that i lived far away from A.H and i could not see A.H everyday. I even fought very hard to rent a room near A.H and because of that, i had a hyper ventilation after quarrelling vehemently with my parents. All i gave was stupid excuses. Does A.H know? No he doesn't.
I had always stood by A.H and A.H did the same too. i knew a.h loved me a lot. However, i, on the other hand, was afraid of love. So we only be very good brothers. A.H would try to hold my hands in public but i'll avoid it. Come to think of it, i really regret what i have done to A.H. Eventually, i took up the courage to propose to A.H a few days ago. I didn't know that A.H was attached. i was very sad. The great brother who had never scolded me before finally did so last night. A.H blamed me for causing A.H's increase in HP bills. I was also blamed for causing A.H's stead to be angry with A.H. How do u think i will feel? i was shattered. I finally coughed out blood during midnight and was sent to the Hospital for check-up. i am upset, but why do i hav to put up a brave front in front of everybody?
I congratulated A.H while holding back my tears. I have done so much, yet i do not get the much deserved happiness. Why is it like that? is it true when people say that the world is unfair? A.H claimed to love me so much during the time when A.H is steadless. Now he has one, i'm being put aside. Is It Fair??? I certainly don't think so. I guess this is the reason why am i afraid of love. I afraid to be rejected, to be abandoned as i don't enjoy much happiness at home. i really need a person to care for me so much like what A.H previously did. I told A.H everything. Deep secrets buried in my heart for years. Yet i'm being treated in this way. How can i not feel disappointed? i am very sad. Not because i cannot be together with A.H, but because of the unfair treatment. Some may think that i'm only expecting some sympathy from A.H. I can say confidently that i'm not! If whoever who feels negatively about my blog then don't read it. Anyway if A.H is reading my blog now, i would like to apologise for the hurt i caused you to bear with. This must be retribution.
A.H once promised that when A.H get the salary, I would be treated to movies and coffee and A.H will buy things for me. I guess this isn't going to happen anymore. Unknowingly, a tear has dropped......A.H, i miss you. I know u'll not be back by my side anymore. Just wanna wish you happiness in whatever you do and stay happy everyday.
We walked aimlessly along the strees of Orchard before finally reaching at Takashimaya where somethin interesting was done at the office building. I felt very loved when i was with A.H. a lot of happiness was given to me from A.H. during that period of time. Our second meeting was on 23 Jan 2004 where we went to compass point to buy somethin interesting and vowed to wear it on the next day, which is the chinese new year.
As A.H. was working in pasta mania at scotts, i cannot call or msg A.H everytime i missed A.H. In order to hear A.H's voice often, i made A.H promise to call me during my recess and after school. I go to the extend of skipping my recess because i wanna chat with A.H. That was in the month of January and February. On one rainy day, i finally got A.H to sing to me. A.H sang a song which is very touching and i teared a little. I don't know what's the name of that song.
Every night, i look forward to 11pm when A.H will call me without fail. On one ocassion, when A.H called me late, i was so worried. and when A.H lost the phone on sat, i was so worried that i nearly wanted to run all the way to Tanjong Pagar to find A.H. all i could think of is A.H during that period of time. my regret was that i lived far away from A.H and i could not see A.H everyday. I even fought very hard to rent a room near A.H and because of that, i had a hyper ventilation after quarrelling vehemently with my parents. All i gave was stupid excuses. Does A.H know? No he doesn't.
I had always stood by A.H and A.H did the same too. i knew a.h loved me a lot. However, i, on the other hand, was afraid of love. So we only be very good brothers. A.H would try to hold my hands in public but i'll avoid it. Come to think of it, i really regret what i have done to A.H. Eventually, i took up the courage to propose to A.H a few days ago. I didn't know that A.H was attached. i was very sad. The great brother who had never scolded me before finally did so last night. A.H blamed me for causing A.H's increase in HP bills. I was also blamed for causing A.H's stead to be angry with A.H. How do u think i will feel? i was shattered. I finally coughed out blood during midnight and was sent to the Hospital for check-up. i am upset, but why do i hav to put up a brave front in front of everybody?
I congratulated A.H while holding back my tears. I have done so much, yet i do not get the much deserved happiness. Why is it like that? is it true when people say that the world is unfair? A.H claimed to love me so much during the time when A.H is steadless. Now he has one, i'm being put aside. Is It Fair??? I certainly don't think so. I guess this is the reason why am i afraid of love. I afraid to be rejected, to be abandoned as i don't enjoy much happiness at home. i really need a person to care for me so much like what A.H previously did. I told A.H everything. Deep secrets buried in my heart for years. Yet i'm being treated in this way. How can i not feel disappointed? i am very sad. Not because i cannot be together with A.H, but because of the unfair treatment. Some may think that i'm only expecting some sympathy from A.H. I can say confidently that i'm not! If whoever who feels negatively about my blog then don't read it. Anyway if A.H is reading my blog now, i would like to apologise for the hurt i caused you to bear with. This must be retribution.
A.H once promised that when A.H get the salary, I would be treated to movies and coffee and A.H will buy things for me. I guess this isn't going to happen anymore. Unknowingly, a tear has dropped......A.H, i miss you. I know u'll not be back by my side anymore. Just wanna wish you happiness in whatever you do and stay happy everyday.
Are You Ga(me)?, 11:07 PM.
